Valentine’s Day is back at it again, making single people feel bad and putting pressure on everyone in a relationship. Every year I sit here wondering why we still acknowledge this Hallmark holiday but then I remember that chocolate goes on sale February 15 and that is good enough for me. This is our first pandemic Valentine’s Day or “Pandemitines Day,” if you will, so let’s talk about how to have the best day possible.

Trying to make you feel bad for being single on Valentine’s Day is so pre-pandemic, this year it’s all about appreciating and treating yourself. Sex is cool but have you ever flipped a perfect pancake? That’s right, the five things that are better than sex is here.

1. Getting a haircut and they do the scalp massage.

I am notorious for rarely getting a haircut because I like the “Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean” look, but this year I treated myself to a visit to the salon, and boy, how I’ve been missing out. You really underestimate how good it feels to have a complete stranger push their fingers through your wet hair as the pressure of warm water deeply soothes your mind and you lay there pretending you’re not having an orgasm. Then they slowly move their hands to your neck and for just a moment you forget that you’re living through a pandemic. I like to close my eyes so they don’t see my eyes roll to the back of my head in pure satisfaction but some people kiss with their eyes open so to each their own. In case you’re wondering, yes I got bangs in a pandemic, yes I did it the same day I quit my job, no it’s not a cry for help, it’s called self-love sweetie look it up. Are you getting banged? No not this year, get bangs honey.

2. Wearing a facemask in a bath.

Ah yes the dynamic duo of a facemask in a bath, have you ever wondered where Sonny and Cher got their mentality from? It all began with noticing the magic of wearing a facemask in a bath. I’ll never forget the first time I wore a facemask in a bath, I was in college and stressed beyond belief so I decided to try this infamous technique for relaxation and I haven’t looked back since. Does it cure the stress you have? No, but it does give you a couple moments of utter peace and in times like this where we’d give our left hand for the days of peace signs and duck lips, it’ll do. Maybe I’m a little biased but as a Taurus woman there is nothing I love more than indulging in luxurious self-care, and by luxurious, I mean submerging myself in hot water and being by myself. Because when in doubt, I’d rather be lying down and since I am constantly in doubt, baths are my go-to problem solver.

3. Watching people freak out over the stock market when you’ve never invested.

This one is for all the ladies (and gays) out there that didn’t understand what Gamestop was until a few weeks ago. Before the stock market incident I thought Gamestop was just a holding booth for your brothers when you wanted to go to Limited Too, now I know better (I don’t). Scrolling through TikTok was fun because we got to see boys yelling at their computers, which was a nice break from seeing them yell at the TV during a sports game or literally any video game. Watching dudes freak out about the stock market like, hmm okay you do have passion and the ability to focus. Good to know… Not knowing if they were thrilled or having a crisis was a beautiful mix of emotions that made me feel like I was living in Love Island, which is an ideal situation for me.

4. Watching someone achieving their goals.

This is a stretch but hear me out. There’s nothing better than achieving your own goals but we already knew that. However, when you get to see someone else achieve their goals, that’s better than sex baby! It could be someone on Survivor winning a challenge they’ve failed at many times before, an X Factor audition that leaves the judges stunned, or watching your friends small business take off. Seeing someone succeed in something they’ve always wanted to will, without a doubt, make me bawl like a baby, especially when it’s someone on Survivor. I can’t watch those compilation videos on youtube of successful X Factor auditions because I’ll look like I just had a panic attack. No one should ever see me that way, including myself, but seeing others succeed is one of the most beautiful things in the world (unless you’re my enemy then it is definitely not) that even the pandemic can’t take away from us.

5. Using two vibrators at the same time.

I couldn’t make this list without one actual orgasm on it, that wouldn’t be fair to you and I would be lying to myself. Physical touch is important, and I think it’s something the pandemic showed us is a necessary need. Let us never forget that I had four friends over at my place this summer and the night ended with us all soberly cuddling on the floor like the human centipede. Physical touch is key to a happy life but so are multiple orgasms, and the only way to achieve multiple orgasms is through multiple vibrators. You gotta learn how to seduce yourself and it might be by pulling your duvet cover over your head so it feels like someone is on top of you, or maybe that’s just my personal method, but you find your rhythm. Sometimes you want a specific kind of orgasm so that’s why you should have options available and other times you want the most intense virtual reality type orgasm of your life and that’s when you use both at the same time. I’m sure you’re all wondering what my key to happiness is and it’s a combination of remembering I never have to take calculus again and two vibrators. You have multiple pairs of pants, why not have multiple ways to cream in your pants? This Valentine’s Day it’s all about indulgence and self-love, baby!

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