Dear Prudence,

My husband has a history of encounters with sex workers. He disclosed this before we started dating exclusively, and while I can’t say it didn’t bother me at all, I was prepared to look past it, and we’ve been able to comfortably discuss it throughout our relationship. Now we are planning on having an open marriage after the pandemic. This is for several reasons and feels like a very mutual decision. The issue is that he’s been asking if he can see prostitutes again as part of this arrangement. This bothers me, but I am second-guessing my discomfort because it would be safe sex, in an arrangement that guarantees no strings attached, and I think what worries me the most is just how it sounds. Should I try to be more open-minded about this?

—Am I Being Close-Minded?

It’s possible that you’ve picked up on some of the many social and legal stigmas against sex workers over the course of your life. You may wish to reexamine your general discomfort (Melissa Gira Grant’s work is an excellent place to start), but you should do so in your own time, and not for the purpose of acceding to your husband’s request. The terms, limits, restrictions, and scope of your open marriage should suit both of you, and you shouldn’t try to push yourself into saying yes just because you can acknowledge some of the practicalities and benefits of seeing sex workers. Making sure you don’t rush each other into something you’re not ready for is just as important a component of a healthy open relationship as safer sex practices. You don’t need to be ashamed of discomfort in an open relationship—it’s not an impediment to happiness that you need to rid yourself of, but an indicator of a need waiting to be met. “I’m not prepared for our open relationship to include sessions with sex workers” is a perfectly reasonable limit that does not harm sex workers nor place outrageous restrictions on your husband’s potential dating pool.

If this new arrangement with your husband is going to work, you should be as honest with him as he is with you. Remind yourself that your goal is not to become maximally open-minded on every subject specifically as it relates to your open marriage. It’s to create sustainable rules and limits wherein you can both pursue new experiences at your own pace, while remaining securely attached to each other.